Here I have gathered a selection of really funny sayings and quotes about life and love by various famous personalities that include: Mickey Rooney, Will Rogers, Ellen DeGeneres, and Lenny Bruce.

I hope you have a fun time sniggering to yourself or guffawing out aloud that will attract attention of people around you.


I never liked you, and I always will. – Samuel Goldwyn


As far as I’m concerned, ‘whom’ is a word that was invented to make everyone sound like a butler. – Calvin Trillin


I’m the only man in the world with a marriage licence made out to whom it may concern. – Mickey Rooney


I saw a stationery store move. – Jay London


I have a very low level of recognition, which is fine by me. – Dylan Moran


I am not a member of any organized political party. I am a Democrat. – Will Rogers


Guilt: the gift that keeps on giving. – Erma Bombeck


I never expected to see the day when girls would get sunburned in the places they now do. – Will Rogers


Every man has a sane spot somewhere. – Robert Louis Stevenson


I think they should have a Barbie with a buzz cut. – Ellen DeGeneres


Never fight an inanimate object. – P. J. O’Rourke


I failed to make the chess team because of my height. – Woody Allen


Me carrying a briefcase is like a hotdog wearing earrings. – Sparky Anderson


He was like a cock who thought the sun had risen to hear him crow. – George Eliot


All the candy corn that was ever made was made in 1911. – Lewis Black


Communism is like one big phone company. – Lenny Bruce


I was a vegetarian until I started leaning toward the sunlight. – Rita Rudner


Flattery is like cologne water, to be smelt, not swallowed. - Josh BillingsFlattery is like cologne water, to be smelt, not swallowed. – Josh Billings


Every man has his follies – and often they are the most interesting thing he has got. – Josh Billings


There’s a great power in words, if you don’t hitch too many of them together. – Josh Billings


I used to sell furniture for a living. The trouble was, it was my own. – Les Dawson


I spent a year in that town, one Sunday. – George Burns


If you have a secret, people will sit a little bit closer. – Rob Corddry


As for our majority… one is enough. – Benjamin Disraeli


How long was I in the army? Five foot eleven. – Spike Milligan


A James Cagney love scene is one where he lets the other guy live. – Bob Hope


Include me out. – Samuel Goldwyn


I like marriage. The idea. – Toni Morrison


The reward of energy, enterprise and thrift is taxes. – William Feather


I believe in rules. Sure I do. If there weren’t any rules, how could you break them? – Leo Durocher


I’m thankful for the three ounce Ziploc bag, so that I have somewhere to put my savings. – Paula Poundstone


Who picks your clothes – Stevie Wonder? – Don Rickles


He looks as though he’s been weaned on a pickle. – Alice Roosevelt Longworth


When you’re eight years old nothing is your business. – Lenny Bruce


Our national flower is the concrete cloverleaf. – Lewis Mumford


I grew up in Europe, where the history comes from. – Eddie Izzard


Every dogma has its day. – Anthony Burgess


Macho does not prove mucho. – Zsa Zsa Gabor


I wish I had the nerve not to tip.- Paul Lynde


One man is as good as another until he has written a book. – Benjamin Jowett


I would talk in iambic pentameter if it were easier. – Howard Nemerov


To label me an intellectual is a misunderstanding of what that is. – Dick Cavett


I am certain there is too much certainty in the world. – Michael Crichton


We need two kinds of acquaintances, one to complain to, while to the others we boast. – Logan Pearsall Smith


Instant gratification takes too long. – Carrie Fisher


When I was born I owed twelve dollars. – George S. Kaufman


I’m a misplaced American, but don’t know where I was misplaced. – Ruby Wax


I think serial monogamy says it all. – Tracey Ullman


What after all, is a halo? It’s only one more thing to keep clean. – Christopher Fry


All my children inherited perfect pitch. – Chevy Chase


I’m kidding about having only a few dollars. I might have a few dollars more. – James Brown


I own and operate a ferocious ego. – Bill Moyers


I’d never been in play long enough for the flowers to die in the dressing room. – Mercedes McCambridge


Someone told me that when they go to Vermont, they feel like they’re home. I’m that way at Saks. – Caroline Rhea


Trust is hard to come by. That’s why my circle is small and tight. I’m kind of funny about making new friends. – Eminem


Everything is funny, as long as it’s happening to somebody else. – Will Rogers


From there to here, and here to there, funny things are everywhere. – Dr. Seuss


Design is a funny word. Some people think design means how it looks. But of course, if you dig deeper, it’s really how it works. – Steve Jobs


It’s a funny thing about life; if you refuse to accept anything but the best, you very often get it. – W. Somerset Maugham


We are supposed to enjoy the good stuff now, while we can, with the people we love. Life has a funny way of teaching us that lesson over and over again. – Sheena Easton


Life would be tragic if it weren’t funny. – Stephen Hawking


It’s always funny until someone gets hurt. Then it’s just hilarious. – Bill Hicks


The most exciting phrase to hear in science, the one that heralds new discoveries, is not ‘Eureka!’ but ‘That’s funny…’ – Isaac Asimov


Life goes by fast. Enjoy it. Calm down. It’s all funny. Next. Everyone gets so upset about the wrong things. – Joan Rivers


I had everything I’d hoped for, but I wasn’t being myself. So I decided to be honest about who I was. It was strange: The people who loved me for being funny suddenly didn’t like me for being… me. – Ellen DeGeneres


Comedy is simply a funny way of being serious. – Peter Ustinov


Being funny is one of my greatest strengths. I can make girls smile when they’re down, and when they’re having a good time, I can carry on the joke. – John Krasinski


Part of my act is meant to shake you up. It looks like I’m being funny, but I’m reminding you of other things. Life is tough, darling. Life is hard. And we better laugh at everything; otherwise, we’re going down the tube. – Joan Rivers


I’m so single. It’s funny. I’m usually a relationship girl. I love being in love and having a partner in crime. But it’s good to be your own partner in crime. God, that makes me sound like I have multiple-personality disorder. – Brittany Snow


One of the funny things about the stock market is that every time one person buys, another sells, and both think they are astute. – William Feather


It’s a funny thing that when a man hasn’t anything on earth to worry about, he goes off and gets married. – Robert Frost


I don’t care what the haters and naysayers say. If they make jokes about me, I’ll laugh because they’ll probably be funny. – Paula Deen


What was really funny is that as I got older all those guys who called me a sissy in junior high school wanted me to be their best friend because they wanted to meet all the girls that I knew in figure skating. – Scott Hamilton


The best ideas come as jokes. Make your thinking as funny as possible. – David Ogilvy


I’m not that good looking. That’s why ‘Gangnam Style’ works. If someone handsome uses that phrase it’s just awkward. But if someone like me uses it, it’s funny. – Psy


To succeed in life, you need three things: a wishbone, a backbone and a funny bone. – Reba McEntire


It’s funny how most people love the dead, once you’re dead, you’re made for life. – Jimi Hendrix


Animals are sentient, intelligent, perceptive, funny and entertaining. We owe them a duty of care as we do to children. – Michael Morpurgo


What I like about the jokes, to me it’s a lot of logic, no matter how crazy they are. It has to make absolute sense, or it won’t be funny. – Steven Wright


You know what’s funny to me? Attitude. – Don Rickles


I’m not funny. What I am is brave. – Lucille Ball


Don’t send funny greeting cards on birthdays or at Christmas. Save them for funerals, when their cheery effect is needed. – P. J. O’Rourke


Why is Cloud 9 so amazing? What is wrong with Cloud 8? That joke came off the top of my head, and the top of my head ain’t funny! – Mitch Hedberg


I was so afraid to even read a paper in front of my classmates. It is very funny because at that point my teachers would never have believed that I could speak in front of an audience of over 2,000 people. – Petra Nemcova


I guess when you turn off the main road, you have to be prepared to see some funny houses. – Stephen King


I call myself the Amusement Park. That’s because I’m funny and scary at the same time. – Terry Crews


Sometimes I can’t believe I’m going to be 60. I always say there’s no point moaning about getting older, when there’s nothing you can do about it. But still, I do find it quite funny. I look at that number, 60, and I think, ‘Really? Me?’
– Twiggy


Some people say funny things, but I say things funny. – Don Rickles


I don’t know, maybe I’m immature, but I still find it funny if I dump cold water on my girlfriend when she’s in the shower. – Daniel Tosh


You can’t really be strong until you see a funny side to things. – Ken Kesey


You know the funny thing, I don’t get along with rich people. I get along with the middle class and the poor people better than I get along with the rich people. – Donald Trump


Being funny wasn’t a career choice growing up, it was my way out of situations; a way to survive another day. – Tracy Morgan


I like bowling. I suck at it, but I like it. You know what’s so funny? I have days when I’m absolutely great at doing it, and then I have days when I just don’t understand it.- Lil’ Kim


When you see things upside down, the ego can be extraordinarily funny; it’s absurd. But it’s tragic at the same time. – Alejandro Gonzalez Inarritu


I think being funny is not anyone’s first choice. – Woody Allen


I find, when you’re an optimist, life has a funny way of looking after you. – Simon Sinek


It’s funny how a chubby kid can just be having fun, and people call it entertainment! – Garth Brooks


I got a lot of support from my parents. That’s the one thing I always appreciated. They didn’t tell me I was being stupid; they told me I was being funny. – Jim Carrey


Keep your sense of humor, my friend; if you don’t have a sense of humor it just isn’t funny anymore. – Wavy Gravy


I read a funny story about how the Republicans freed the slaves. The Republicans are the ones who created slavery by law in the 1600’s. Abraham Lincoln freed the slaves and he was not a Republican. – Marion Barry


You know, you can touch a stick of dynamite, but if you touch a venomous snake it’ll turn around and bite you and kill you so fast it’s not even funny. – Steve Irwin


But you can’t focus on things that matter if all you’ve been is asleep for forty years. Funny how sleep rhymes with sheep. You know. – Charlie Sheen


There is nothing funny about Halloween. This sarcastic festival reflects, rather, an infernal demand for revenge by children on the adult world. – Jean Baudrillard


When you’re out of sight for as long as I was, there’s a funny feeling of betrayal that comes over people when they see you again. – Esther Williams


They say Yogi Berra is funny. Well, he has a lovely wife and family, a beautiful home, money in the bank, and he plays golf with millionaires. What’s funny about that? – Casey Stengel


Do you want me to apologize after every joke? If it doesn’t offend somebody it’s probably not a joke. It’s probably an observation that’s not funny. It’s gotta offend somebody somewhere. – Jeff Ross


Humor has become so cliche and boring that nothing’s funny anymore unless it involves something totally disgusting that offends somebody or makes them feel really uncomfortable. – Tom DeLonge


Novels are not about expressing yourself, they’re about something beautiful, funny, clever and organic. Self-expression? Go and ring a bell in a yard if you want to express yourself. – Zadie Smith


Europe is scooters. Europe is five young people on one bench sharing a chocolate bar. Their idea of entertainment and fun is so much different than ours, which is exactly why a movie about them would be funny. – Mike Myers


It’s hard to be funny when you have to be clean. – Mae West


I truly think comedy is – being funny is DNA. My dad was a doctor, a wonderful doctor, and people still come up to me today, ‘Your father helped my mother die.’ You know what I’m saying? He made her laugh ’til she died. My father was always very funny. – Joan Rivers


Do you know, it’s funny, but I never thought of being blind as a disadvantage, and I never thought of being black as a disadvantage. – Stevie Wonder


I think it’s funny to be delicate with subjects that are explosive. – Jerry Seinfeld


It’s funny about men and women. Men pay in cash to get them and pay in cash to get rid of them. Women pay emotionally coming and going. Neither has it easy. – Hedy Lamarr


If you tell the truth about how you’re feeling, it becomes funny. – Larry David


Funny is an attitude. – Flip Wilson


Humor has to surprise us; otherwise, it isn’t funny. It’s a death knell for a writer to be labeled a humorist because then it’s not a surprise anymore. – Garrison Keillor


I have only been funny about seventy four per cent of the time. Yes I think that is right. Seventy-four per cent of the time. – Will Ferrell


If something is shocking without being funny it’s hard to justify. – Seth MacFarlane


Some of those more out-there jokes were written in the wee hours of the morning. Somehow, they remained funny the next day. – Seth MacFarlane


I’m always more motivated by the pain of a funny character than by what makes him funny. – Jason Alexander


Comedians don’t laugh. They’re too busy analyzing why it’s funny or not. – James Lipton


Every time I’m in Canada I feel more Swedish, and every time I’m in Sweden I feel more Canadian. I belong in both places and I love them both equally. It’s funny because the Swedes claim me as their Swedish pride and the Canadians call me their Canadian girl. I’ll take it all. – Malin Akerman


I’ve never been to a dinner party where everyone at the dinner table didn’t say something funny. – Lorrie Moore


With my boyfriend, we can make sexist jokes to each other because we know it’s absolutely not true. If I get home from a long day and he says: ‘Go on, get in the kitchen,’ it’s funny because we know it’s not our lives. – Emily Browning


There is hope for the future because God has a sense of humor and we are funny to God. – Bill Cosby


I don’t see much comedy in the Bible, where people are writing about funny people. It’s not there. – Bill Cosby


Life does not cease to be funny when people die any more than it ceases to be serious when people laugh. – George Bernard Shaw


Forgiveness is a funny thing. It warms the heart and cools the sting. – William Arthur Ward


A man’s got to take a lot of punishment to write a really funny book. – Ernest Hemingway


Like almost everyone who uses e-mail, I receive a ton of spam every day. Much of it offers to help me get out of debt or get rich quick. It would be funny if it weren’t so exciting. – Bill Gates


Isn’t it funny how babies laugh a lot? I read a toddler, a young child laughs 300 times a day. The average adult laughs, like, four times a day. God put it in them. He put the laugh in us, but I think sometimes we let life get us down, you know, have bad breaks, and we lose our breaks. – Joel Osteen


I saw 28 Days. I don’t remember rehab being like a day camp or being that funny. Rehab is a dumping ground. It’s a big landfill. – Charlie Sheen


Whatever is funny is subversive, every joke is ultimately a custard pie… a dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion. – George Orwell


God writes a lot of comedy… the trouble is, he’s stuck with so many bad actors who don’t know how to play funny. – Garrison Keillor


I think anyone who’s perfectly happy isn’t particularly funny. – Joan Rivers


I’m definitely guilty of thinking something is funny but thinking the audience won’t. Then three years later I will finally try it and it’ll kill them. I got to give them more credit. – Ron White


Comedy is learning to be funny, and you learn to be funny in small rooms with young audiences. – Joan Rivers


Comediennes are the lucky ones, because if you’re funny, you can be 125 years old and they will still accept you. – Joan Rivers


It’s funny how you never think about the women you’ve had. It’s always the ones who get away that you can’t forget. – Chuck Palahniuk


It is not funny that anything else should fall down; only that a man should fall down. Why do we laugh? Because it is a gravely religious matter: it is the Fall of Man. Only man can be absurd: for only man can be dignified. – Gilbert K. Chesterton


It’s a funny thing, the less people have to live for, the less nerve they have to risk losing nothing. – Zora Neale Hurston


I remember straightening my hair because I wanted to be like everybody else, and now the fact that anybody would emulate what I do? It’s just funny. – Taylor Swift


Funny thing is that the poorer people are, the more generous they seem to be. – Dolly Parton


It’s funny. All you have to do is say something nobody understands and they’ll do practically anything you want them to. – J. D. Salinger


I actually think of being funny as an odd turn of mind, like a mild disability, some weird way of looking at the world that you can’t get rid of. – Calvin Trillin


Funny is only something that others know about you – you can’t be funny by yourself. – Chris Rock


If you’re going to tell people the truth, be funny or they’ll kill you. – Billy Wilder


Stories in families are colossally important. Every family has stories: some funny, some proud, some embarrassing, some shameful. Knowing them is proof of belonging to the family. – Salman Rushdie


I think we’re all good and bad, but good’s not funny. Bad is funny. Suppress the good and let the bad out, and then you can be funny. – Larry David


The funny guy doesn’t get the girl until later in life. High school, college, everyone still wants the brooding, dangerous guy you shouldn’t have. – Will Ferrell


Sometimes in the most tragic situation, something just profoundly funny happens. – David Hyde Pierce


It’s funny, one of the reasons why I never wear my glasses any more is that, when I was younger, a guy once said that he liked me until he found out that I wear glasses. – Danielle Panabaker


The funny thing is people won’t let me pay for things. I’ll be in a restaurant and the manager will say, ‘Oh no, it’s on the house.’ – Richard Branson


If I don’t offend somebody, then I’m probably not funny. – Tracy Morgan


Tell me I’m beautiful, it’s nothing. Tell me I’m intellectual – I know it. Tell me I’m funny, and it’s the greatest compliment in the world anyone could give me. – Julie Newmar


Democrats are dumb and Republicans are stupid, but the difference between dumb and stupid is dumb isn’t funny. Dumb is when you say something and the whole room goes, ‘What did he say?’ – Lewis Black


It’s funny how social activists usually protest against the only things that have a credible chance of achieving the activists’ goals. – Craig Bruce


I love things made out of animals. It’s just so funny to think of someone saying, ‘I need a letter opener. I guess I’ll have to kill a deer. – David Sedaris


Almost anything can be funny if said the right way – but it has to be said the right way. – Kevin Hart


The funny thing is, all my friends are short. I wasn’t aware of tall people till I got to high school. I didn’t know they existed. I was sheltered. – Kevin Hart


I realized my family was funny, because nobody ever wanted to leave our house. – Anthony Anderson


The funny thing about insane people is that it is kind of the opposite of being a celebrity. Nobody envies you. – Robert M. Pirsig


I’m attracted to women who are smart and funny and ambitious and have lives of their own and great families. Isn’t that what attracts anyone? – Tom Brady


You have to discover when you’re inadequate to be funny and you don’t know you’re inadequate when you’re a kid. – Larry David


Funny is not a color. Being black is only good from the time you get from the curtain to the microphone. – Flip Wilson


The word ‘funny’ is a bit like the word ‘love’ – we don’t have enough words to describe the many varieties. – George Saunders


I do like dating cynics – they tend to be incredibly funny. – Chris Pine


Life’s pretty funny when you’re objectively on the outside looking at it. – Philip Seymour Hoffman


And the funny thing is, I’ve always been an optimist – it’s practically a congenital disorder with me. – Molly Ivins


It’s funny, in literature no one ever goes to the lavatory. – Tom Baker


If you’re OK with being clumsy, it’s funny. But if you are super embarrassed, people are going to laugh at you. – Leo Howard


I don’t know, maybe Australian humor isn’t supposed to be funny. It’s as dry as the Sahara, and I think people miss that. – Nick Cave


When I used to watch comedians with my dad, he laid it all out for me. He wanted to be a comedian himself, and he was so funny. We’d watch stand-up on TV, and he’d tell me the subtext of what they were saying. – Roseanne Barr


British politics, as the world knows, is a joke. Yet it’s rarely funny. – Steven Patrick Morrissey


It’s funny how the hippies and the punks tried to get rid of the conservatives, but they always seem to get the upper hand in the end. – Bjork


Comedy is surprises, so if you’re intending to make somebody laugh and they don’t laugh, that’s funny. – Norm MacDonald


Acting is all about big hair and funny props… All the great actors knew it. Olivier knew it, Brando knew it. – Harold Ramis


Children are the most honest critics. They will say ‘You’re funny’, but also ‘You’re pathetic – go away.’ – Dylan Moran


In a funny way, nothing makes you feel more like a native of your own country than to live where nearly everyone is not. – Bill Bryson


That’s a funny thing, fame. People definitely do treat you differently. When you begin to be successful, people say, ‘Don’t go changing.’ Well, that’s easy to say, but the fact is, you don’t change at all – other people do. – Jonathan Rhys Meyers


It’s funny how we ‘do’ Christmas. Christmas is not something that we do, it is something that was done. It celebrates the long awaited arrival of the Messiah, Jesus Christ. We had nothing to do with it, but what we can do is praise God for the coming of the Lord, who washed away the sins of the world by dying on the cross. – Monica Johnson


Bigots are actually funny to me in the way that people who still wear parachute pants give me a chuckle. – John Ridley


Someone said to me at a party once, ‘Oh, yeah, you’re a comedian? Then how come you’re not funny now?’ And I just wanted to say, ‘Well, I’m just going to take this conversation we’re having and then repeat that to strangers, and then that’s the joke. You’re the joke later.’ – Mike Birbiglia


Lot of ugly funny dudes end up with some pretty gorgeous women. Women are much deeper than us in choosing a mate – they see in the long term. – Patton Oswalt


When you’re in the editing room, the dangerous thing is that it becomes like telling a joke again and again and again. Eventually, the joke starts to not be funny. So you have to be careful that you’re not throwing the baby out with the bath water. – Ridley Scott


‘Come out’ is so funny to me because I’ve never been in. – Adam Lambert


The whole point about laughter is it’s like mercury: you can’t catch it, you can’t catch what motivates it – that’s why it’s funny. – Mike Nichols


If you take a bunch of superstars and put them in a room where they don’t have their assistants and entourage, it’s funny to see what happens. – Daryl Hall


My persona has always been what a man was never supposed to be. Outrageous, gregarious, crazy, silly, funny. – Richard Simmons


If you could cross a lion and a monkey, that’s what I’d be, because monkeys are funny and lions are strong. – Marlon Wayans


Everything I buy is vintage and smells funny. Maybe that’s why I don’t have a boyfriend. – Lucy Liu


It’s funny how people who ain’t never been down there can think that America is so fair and that we should be alright. It’s funny that the people who have their foot on our neck are telling us, ‘Get up. What’s wrong with you?’ – Ice Cube


I’ve never met a funny person who wasn’t smart. I’ve met a lot of dramatic people who were stupid. But I’ve never met a funny person who wasn’t smart. – Rob Lowe


Laughter is involuntary. If it’s funny you laugh. – Tom Lehrer


Hurried and worried until we’re buried, and there’s no curtain call, Life’s a very funny proposition after all. – George M. Cohan


You can’t be funny unless you’re tragic, and you can’t be tragic unless you’re funny. – Elaine Stritch


I think if everyone would write down the funny stories from their own childhoods, the world would be a better place. – Jeff Kinney


There is nothing funny about a well-adjusted, intelligent person making the right choices. – Tim Heidecker


We’ve seen some insane signs: ‘Is that a loaf of bread in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me?’ Funny stuff along those lines. Very original. One just said, ‘I will do unspeakable things.’ I thought that was very interesting – and mildly terrifying! – Josh Hutcherson


One funny thing is, though, I wear my watch on my right hand and I’m actually right-handed. People always wonder why – I don’t know myself, I’ve just always done it that way and I like it the way a good watch fits on my right wrist. – Luke Evans


Straight men just can’t imagine the bliss of being in a relationship with someone who finds farting as funny as they do. – Graham Norton


I am the ultimate California girl, which is funny, being that I’m Canadian. – Pamela Anderson


Funny, how moms can tell you what to do no matter how old or big you are. – Gabrielle Reece


The pressure to being a comedian is being funny, but I’ve given that up, so there is no pressure whatsoever. – Gilbert Gottfried


I think stutterers are funny. And I know it’s rude and politically incorrect to laugh at stutterers. But I think it is okay because I know why they’re funny. They make people nervous. People think, when on earth are they going to get the word out, so they start laughing out of their own nervousness. – James Earl Jones


Comedians, we’re just people who whine. But we happen to be funny when we whine. – Artie Lange


I don’t know now if I’m funny. I just keep talking and hope that I hit something that’s funny. – Craig Ferguson


It’s so funny, you go to acting school thinking you’re going to learn how to be other people, but really it taught me how to be myself. Because it’s in understanding yourself deeply that you can lend yourself to another person’s circumstances and another person’s experience. – Lupita Nyong’o


I know you can be funny without being filthy. – Jonathan Winters


It’s a funny thing – when I’m crazed with work, spending time with my children relaxes me. Yet, at the end of a long weekend with them, the very thing I need to relax is a little work and time away from them! – Emily Giffin


If you are a great dramatic actor then you often don’t know if people are enjoying your stuff at all because they are sitting there in silence. But with comedy it’s a simple premise. If it’s funny, people laugh. If it’s not, they don’t. – Steve Coogan


There’s a fine line between angry and grumpy. Angry isn’t nice, but grumpy is funny. – Rick Wakeman


People never ask people doing serious music, ‘Do you ever think about doing funny music?’ – Al Yankovic


One longs to be funny, to make people laugh. Laughter is such a sign of approval, isn’t it? – Tom Baker


Eddie Murphy said once in an interview that nothing is offensive if it’s funny. I sort of agree with that, but if something’s funny and you’re the subject of it, sometimes it’s more offensive. If someone’s insulting you, you want them to sound like an idiot. – Artie Lange


Any misfortune that happens to another person is funny. If it happens to someone else and not me, it’s very funny. – Gilbert Gottfried