I love hilarious quotes from both Irish writer-poet Oscar Wilde and American author-cum-humorist Mark Twain.

Both of their witty and thought-provoking quotes are still popularly quoted by public speakers, writers and even standup comedians.

hilarious quotes by oscar wilde and mark twain

Below are my selection of hilarious quotes by Oscar Wilde and Mark Twain. Hope you enjoy as much as I always do.

“A man’s face is his autobiography. A woman’s face is her work of fiction.” – Oscar Wilde

“Women are meant to be loved, not to be understood.” – Oscar Wilde

“Journalism is unreadable, literature is never read.” – Oscar Wilde

“Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go.” -Oscar Wilde

“A true friend stabs you in the front.” – Oscar Wilde

“It is very easy to endure the difficulties of one’s enemies. It is the successes of one’s friends that are hard to bear.” – Oscar Wilde

“Women are never disarmed by compliments. Men always are. That is the difference between the sexes.” – Oscar Wilde

“The only way to get rid of a temptation is to yield to it.” – Oscar Wilde

“I couldn’t help it. I can resist everything except temptation.” – Oscar Wilde

“Conscience and cowardice are really the same things.” – Oscar Wilde

“A cynic is a man who knows the price of everything and the value of nothing.” – Oscar Wilde

“The only thing to do with good advice is to pass it on. It is never of any use to oneself.” – Oscar Wilde

“There are only two tragedies in life: one is not getting what one wants, and the other is getting it.” – Oscar Wilde

“Fashion is a form of ugliness so intolerable that we have to alter it every six months.” – Oscar Wilde

“One should never trust a woman who tells her real age. If she tells that, she’ll tell anything.” – Oscar Wilde

“No woman should ever be quite accurate about her age. It looks so calculating.” – Oscar Wilde

“Experience is the name everyone gives to their mistakes.” – Oscar Wilde

“If you tell the truth you don’t have to remember anything.” – Mark Twain

“When angry count four; when very angry, swear.” – Mark Twain

“Always do right – this will gratify some and astonish the rest.” – Mark Twain

“A lie can travel half way around the world while the truth is just putting on its shoes.” – Mark Twain

“Sometimes I wonder whether the world is being run by smart people who are putting us on or by imbeciles who really mean it.” – Mark Twain

“Don’t go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first.” – Mark Twain

“In the first place God made idiots; that was for practice; then he made school boards.” – Mark Twain

Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.” -Mark Twain

“Honesty is the best policy — when there is money in it.” – Mark Twain

“Reader, suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself.” – Mark Twain

“It is better to be thought a fool than to open your mouth and remove all doubt.” – Mark Twain