humor

Here is a collection of funny quotes people mad about from MAD magazine.

funny quotes people mad  magazine
“Teenagers are people who act like babies if they’re not treated like adults.”

Most bosses never lift a finger at work, unless it’s to point out something you did wrong

“The reason most people talk to themselves is because they’re often the only ones who will listen.”

Family reunions are when relatives gather from all over to be reminded why they scattered in the first place.”

“A college jock is someone who minds his build instead of vice versa.”

“Any dentist who says “This won’t hurt a bit” is lying through your teeth.”

“The world is a place that’s gone from being flat to round to crooked.”

“These days the meaning of “a faithful husband” is one whose alimony checks arrive on time.”

“Politicians are people who get sworn in and then cursed out.”

“The distance between many people’s ears is a block.”

“We’re living in an age where lemonade is made with artificial ingredients and furniture polish is made with real lemons.”

“Plenty of people believe in energy conservation – mainly their own.”

“The psychiatrist’s office is where you say what you think and be told what you mean.”

“An argument is two people trying to get in the last word first.”

“The same parent who tells you it’s time to find yourself will also tell you to get lost.”

“How is it that people looking for a helping hand tend to overlook the one at the end of their own arm?”

“If most people said what’s on their minds, they’d be speechless.”

“Most people still believe in a hard day’s work, but they also believe it should be spread out over the course of a week or two.”

“If banks are so good with numbers, why are there always eight windows and three tellers?”

“A gossip columnist is someone who uses dirt to make a mountain out of a molehill.”

“Elections are when people find out what politicians stand for, and politicians find out what people will fall for.”

“Starting a war in the name of peace is like poking a hole in a balloon to get more air into it.”

“Today, too many workers spend their time trying to make their weekends meet.”

“Good hospitality is making your guests feel at home, even when you wish they were.”

“The suburbs are where they cut down all the trees and then name the streets after them.”

“It’s a good idea to save your money. One day it might be worth something again.”

“The reason many people are lost in thought is because it’s unfamiliar territory.”

“Medical insurance is what allows people to be ill at ease.”

“America is a land which fought for freedom and then began passing laws to get rid of it.”

“A family vacation is when you go away with the people you need to get away from.”

“All lawyers are cut from the same cloth: fleece.”

“If we really learned from our past mistakes, most of us would never get out of bed in the morning.”

“The dollar will never fall as low as what some people will do to get it.”

“Parents treat their kids like teeth: they only try bonding once irreparable damage has been done.

“Most wives are like ventriloquists: they stand there nodding while the dummy does all the talking.”

“If you lend someone an ear, don’t expect to be repaid with interest.”

“Nowadays, an after-dinner mint is what you need to pay the restaurant check.”

“A business executive is someone who talks golf in the office and business on the golf course.

“A plastic surgeon’s office is the only place where no one gets offended when you pick your nose.”

“Nowadays, a balanced diet is when every McNugget is the same size.”

“A shepherd with no flock falls asleep counting creditors.”

“Many a good egg ends up getting beaten.”

“America is still a land of promise, especially during a political campaign.”

“Anyone who says the truth shall set you free has never been to traffic court.”

“These days, the problem with many neighborhoods is that there are more hoods than neighbors.”

“Experience is what makes you pause briefly before going ahead and making the same mistake.”

“The U.N. is a place where governments opposed to free speech demand to be heard.”

“Nowadays, the perfect crime is getting caught and then selling your story to TV.”

“Prison inmates are treated to cable TV, hot meals and a college education, while on the outside some people can only afford these things through a life of crime.”

“If people wanted your unsolicited advice, they’d ask for it.”

“Nepotism is when the corporate ladder is built from the lumber of your family tree.”

Funny Quotes And Saying From MAD Magazine

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